


Heaven on Earth

by yukittyzen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Catholicism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sneaking Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 15:41:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17103383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukittyzen/pseuds/yukittyzen
Summary: Jaehyun had something to prove, had a world to defy, so he let Yuta bring him away, for the first of many times.





	Heaven on Earth

**Author's Note:**

> TW // fuck ton of homophobia
> 
> disclaimer:  
> religion is seen as Jaehyun’s biggest enemy in this story, so if you are not comfortable with him talking down on the church and on god, please don’t read this.

 Jaehyun was raised a devout Catholic, from going to church on sundays to praying to god every morning, every evening, every mealtime. Jaehyun grew up, surrounded by marble statues that spiral to the sky in his school, the priciest, most elite religious school in all of South Korea, and by slow songs of worship to the one and only God, he has those tunes memorised.

 

Jaehyun knows what he is supposed to be, knows that he is supposed to follow every word spoken by his parents, his seniors, by the church, by the priest that stands so high and mighty above them all, as if showing them that his heightened faith and love for God brought him high above the view of men. He knows that he, as a Catholic, has the duty to walk alongside God, God who is always there. Jaehyun knows what he is supposed to be, his duty.

 

He doesn’t fulfil it, because Jaehyun’s whole existence contrasts everything he has been brought up to believe, everything he is supposed to be, because Jaehyun is…

 

**Y**

look out your window

 

Jaehyun reads the text message, marked with a single letter, Y. A letter that used to be as meaningless as any other letter in the alphabet, but now, it’s so much more to Jaehyun, because that letter makes his heart jump when it shows up in his notification bar. The letter Y has ingrained itself into Jaehyun’s heart, because it belongs to his Yuta-hyung.

 

Jaehyun looks out his window, into the darkness of the streets, lit up only by a few flickering street lamps, and the occasional speeding of cars that disappear as fast as they appear. He sees a car parked in front of his house, headlights on. There is a boy standing next to the car, looking up through Jaehyun’s window with a smile he can barely make out in the dimly lit street.

 

**Y**

are you going to come down or do i have to go up and drag you?

 

Jaehyun walks over to his bed, avoiding parts of the floorboard that he knows would creak under his weight, in fear of waking his parents. He stuffs pillows under his blanket, to make it look like he’s still there, so he can fade away into the darkness with his Yuta-hyung, while his parents still think he’s there. He’s snuck out enough times to master the art of it, to run away for one night, one night with Yuta.

 

He checks his parents’ room, makes sure the lights are all off under their door, before silently creeping out, avoiding the third step because he knows that one creaks just like the floor in his room. He thanks the God he was raised to love, thanks him for allowing him to see his Yuta-hyung, just once more.

 

He makes sure the door is locked before he leaves, walking out as quickly as he can, off the porch and through the lawn, until he reaches the car with the bright headlights, Yuta’s already inside, ready to take him away from everything that has ever bothered him, away from the Jaehyun he is supposed to be. It’s 11:03 PM when he opens the car door and gets in.

  
  
  


Yuta is a dancer, the best Jaehyun has ever seen, he had met him while sneaking out one late Saturday night when he was in the eighth grade, after he’d been punished severely for using God’s name in vain, not for the first time. Jaehyun remembers running down the streets near midnight, wanting to find somewhere far and peaceful, where he could cry his heart out, melt onto the ground and fade away, cursing his parents and everyone else, for no one has ever meant anything to Jaehyun. Not the popular boys who made snide comments about other religions, not the teachers who would curl their lips in scorn at the thought of same-sex relationships, not the church, and definitely not his parents who dragged him, screaming, into this world of worship and religion.

 

Then, he met his Yuta-hyung, and his world shifted.

 

Yuta is free, he soars high above Jaehyun, like the priest Jaehyun has always despised, but so different, because Yuta is truly free. Yuta dances like there is nothing else in the world, he is unbounded, unchained, the world is a playground to him, and he relishes in it all. Yuta lives for fun, and for himself. He is everything Jaehyun has ever wanted to be, everything Jaehyun could have been had he not been chained down by who he is supposed to be.

 

He ran into Yuta at the end of the street, far enough from the place he begrudgingly called home to know that his parents can’t see him anymore. Yuta had grinned at him, a tenth grader, towering above Jaehyun at that time, though Jaehyun has far outgrown him now. Jaehyun remembers Yuta, sixteen year old Yuta, promising him the time of his life as he took fourteen year old Jaehyun’s hand in his own and ran down the empty streets with him.

 

Jaehyun knew, knew he shouldn’t be with strangers, it doesn’t take a lecture from a parent or a teacher or a priest to know that letting a stranger lead him away was a bad idea, but that night, Jaehyun had something to prove, had a world to defy, so he let Yuta bring him away, for the first of many times.

  
  
  


Seventeen year old Jaehyun sits in Yuta’s car, listening to the soft, Japanese music playing through the speakers, letting his fingers run across the inner door of the car. It’s saturday night, their night, but it’s been three years, and Yuta is nineteen now, he has his license, and a car, they left running on the streets behind them a long time ago.

 

He sees the street lamps zoom past them outside the window, except that he knows that it’s not the street lamps moving, but rather, him, sitting in the passenger seat of his favourite person’s car. Yuta hums silently, and Jaehyun steals glances at him, one hand on the wheel, turning it at every junction on the road.

 

“You’re quiet tonight,” Yuta muses, turning the steering wheel for what seems like the millionth time, but Jaehyun will never get tired of catching glimpses of Yuta’s veins shifting in the light of the street lamps. “Thinking?”

 

Jaehyun hums, pressing his forehead to the window of the car, he feels the vibration of the window against his face, spreading across his body, it makes him feel alive. The faint Japanese music plays, rebounding through his eardrums, and Jaehyun wishes, not for the first time, that he could understand the melancholy tunes Yuta plays.

 

“Tonight, I was thinking takeout,” Yuta says, slowly bringing the car to a stop at the sight of a red traffic light, casting faint, red-tinted glows on the ground before it. “We could get McDonald’s, drive-thru, as usual.”

 

The word  _ usual _ makes Jaehyun’s heart swell more than it should, because it reminds him that his nights with Yuta are more than just a once-off event, that he can continue to look forward to Yuta’s company after the sun sets on Saturday evenings. Jaehyun removes his forehead from the glass and steals another glance at Yuta, his Yuta-hyung.

 

“Is that all you know how to eat?” Jaehyun asks with a snort, grinning from ear to ear, and Yuta smiles slyly back at him, watching as the traffic light changes back to green, he steps on the peddle again. “If I cut you up, your body would be 70% fries.”

 

“Would you rather me go vegan? We’d have to eat vegetables every saturday,” Yuta laughs, and  _ God _ , Jaehyun wishes the sound of Yuta’s laugh wouldn’t make his stomach flip every single time. 

 

Jaehyun shakes his head rapidly, it helps to drown out the sound of Yuta’s laugh. “No, definitely not. Let’s get McDonald’s.”

  
  
  


Yuta pulls into a 24 hour McDonald’s, it’s 11:48 PM and Jaehyun feels like he hasn’t eaten in years, his stomach growls pathetically, and Yuta laughs, before placing orders for both of them, cheeseburgers and a medium size fries for them to share. Jaehyun loves sharing food with Yuta, it’s something he doesn’t get to do in school, in fear of being labelled gay for enjoying sharing his food with other boys. Yuta, however, doesn’t care for small things like this, he’s too busy making sure Jaehyun is well-fed and happy, and Jaehyun adores him for that, and well, for everything else.

 

They sit in the backseats of Yuta’s car, the windows rolled down so they can feel the cold, fresh air of mid-winter. Yuta had pulled up in a parking lot, casually ignoring the pay station, claiming that he would hop straight back into the driver’s seat and drive off if he catches sight of a parking officer.

 

“Jesus Christ, hyung. That’s illegal!” Jaehyun gasps, and Yuta grins from ear to ear, ruffling Jaehyun’s hair with oil-covered fingers, Jaehyun scrunches his nose in disgust, ignoring how good Yuta’s fingers feel combing through his hair, ignoring how  _ right  _ it feels when it should be wrong.

 

“I don’t think Jesus would appreciate you using his name in vain, now, would he?” Yuta asks, one brow raising above the other, with a teasing smile on his face. Jaehyun winces, before he remembers that this is Yuta, and his Yuta-hyung isn’t the same as everyone else. His Yuta-hyung is different, better, and he will never look at Jaehyun with judgemental eyes, the way everyone has always looked at him all his life.

 

“No,” Jaehyun replies after a long pause, taking in how gorgeous Yuta looks illuminated by the lights of the 24 hour McDonald’s sign. He shakes his head, before meeting Yuta’s eye. “But I don’t really care anymore.”

 

Yuta nods, taking in his answer, and he seems to ponder a good way to respond to Jaehyun. Jaehyun appreciates the amount of thought Yuta puts into what he says, because Yuta isn’t Catholic, and he knows that anything he says could easily offend the last bit of Catholicism in Jaehyun. “You don’t have to care about anything else,” Yuta mumbles, running his hands through Jaehyun’s hair, pushing his bangs out of his face. “You’re above all of them, Jae.”

 

Jaehyun makes a face. “You’re making me sound like a priest, hyung.”

 

“Maybe so.” And then Yuta wipes the rest of his oil-covered fingers on his pants, Jaehyun thinks it’s a disgusting habit of his, but he doesn’t vocalise it. Yuta climbs over the front seat and gets back into the driver’s seat. “Buckle up, Jae. I think I see the parking police.”

  
  
  


There is a park on the very edge of Seoul, one that Yuta had taken him to for the first time three years ago, the place Jaehyun had first learned his name at, where Jaehyun had spent the whole night talking to Yuta, getting to know the person who had whisked him away from his normal life and brought him into a new world. Yuta’s driving to it now, Jaehyun recognises the streets, it’s a special place to him, he has the area mapped down in his brain.

 

Yuta pulls up in the parking lot and actually pays his parking this time, groaning as he opens his wallet and slots 5000 won into the machine. “Parking in Japan was never this expensive. Korea is ass,” he whines, and Jaehyun can’t help but smile. Parking may be way overpriced here, but it definitely beats three years ago when Yuta had to buy the two midnight bus tickets to get here.

 

It’s 1:01 AM when he and Yuta reach their normal spot, a small bench that overlooks the lake at the heart of the park. The park is empty, but Jaehyun feels safe, because he has his Yuta-hyung by his side, and he has nothing to fear when he’s with him.

 

They sit close to each other, knees touching, even though there’s plenty of space on the bench. Jaehyun exhales breaths that are visible in the cold air, white smoke escaping his lips, he trembles, he has never been great with the cold.

 

Yuta takes one look at him, noting the way Jaehyun’s shaking knees hit against his own, and he sighs, a puff of smoke forms, and Jaehyun looks at him oddly. Yuta raises his arm and wraps it around Jaehyun’s shoulder, pulling him closer.  _ It’s wrong,  _ Jaehyun thinks, remembering everything that he’s been made to believe, the person he was raised to be. But instead of pulling away, he gives in to what his heart really wants, and moves in closer, because how can something so wrong feel so right?

 

Jaehyun’s not dumb, he knows what he feels for Yuta transcends the borders of friendship, because the way he feels for Yuta is  _ different.  _ Different the way everything about Yuta is and has always been. He feels for Yuta the way he has never felt for anything else, stronger, more intense, and the very thought of not knowing Yuta, of never having met Yuta, or of never being able to meet Yuta again, drives him mad. Jaehyun’s known for a long time, his Yuta-hyung is special, because Jaehyun adores him, admires him, Jaehyun cares about him while he’s never given a damn about anyone else. In this universe, there’s only his Yuta-hyung.

 

Does Jaehyun love Yuta? Probably, but Jaehyun can’t bring himself to come to terms with it, because that would destroy the last bits of the Jaehyun he is supposed to be, and while Jaehyun has always hated that, he can’t bring himself to kill that Jaehyun off either.

 

“You’ve been really quiet tonight,” Yuta says quietly, like he’s scared of waking up the lake before them, scared of bringing it to life in the middle of the night. “Are you alright? You know you can tell me anything, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun responds simply, playing with his fingers in his lap, watching the leaves on the evergreen trees sway in the gentle wind. It’s a darker night, and everything is quieter than it normally is, all he can hear is Yuta’s breaths, and the beat of his own heart, threatening to beat right out of his chest. “Anything?”

 

Yuta sighs, tightening his hold on Jaehyun, and he hopes Yuta never lets him go, because in Yuta’s arms, he feels, just for a moment, as free as Yuta is, and he loves the adrenaline so much. He loves Yuta’s warmth, the protection he feels just by being near his Yuta-hyung. “Anything.”

 

“You won’t leave me?” Jaehyun asks, surprised by how meek his voice comes out, his words trembling, and Yuta looks at him in shock, momentarily letting go of Jaehyun, and it’s so much colder. “Even if you don’t like what I say?”

 

“Jaehyun,” Yuta says firmly, grabbing Jaehyun by the shoulders, and Jaehyun looks up to meet his eyes,  _ beautiful Yuta-hyung. The only person that matters at all. _ “I couldn’t leave you, even if I tried to.”

 

Jaehyun feels his heart race in his chest, and he hates the impact Yuta has on him, but loves it dearly all at the same time. Yuta drives him wild, and sets him free all at the same time.

 

“Do you think,” Jaehyun begins, pausing, no, hesitating as he thinks. The back of his throat tastes foul, but he ignores it, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Do you think I’m too young to make my own choices?”

 

Yuta blinks at him, pursing his lips, he assumes a thoughtful expression on his face, before he’s pushing Jaehyun’s bangs from his forehead once more. “I don’t think anyone is too young to make their own choices. You? Definitely not.”

 

“Then,” Jaehyun says, licking his lips to prevent them from cracking in the cold air. “Am I stupid for wanting rebel against my parents? Am I a bad son for not returning their love?”

 

“You could never be stupid to me, Jaehyun,” Yuta says, and his hand slips down from Jaehyun’s face, he takes hold of Jaehyun’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “And if your parents really loved you, they’d accept you for whoever you are. Love isn’t about making people who you want them to be.”

 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun breathes, feeling fire spread across his body in the freezing air from Yuta’s hand. “Do you think I’m too young to be in love?”

 

“Do you love someone?” Yuta asks, and Jaehyun doesn’t know if he’s imagining it, but Yuta’s complexion saddens. “I don’t think there’s a minimum age to be in love.”

 

Jaehyun shakes and Yuta watches him, concerned. All the memories run through his mind, so much from so many years, too much. It almost bursts out of him, every memory of church, of prayers to a God he was forced to believe in, of everything that was supposed to make him someone else. His duty to God, to his faith, to his parents.

 

He doesn’t fulfil it, because Jaehyun’s whole existence contrasts everything he has been brought up to believe, everything he is supposed to be, because Jaehyun is gay. Jaehyun is gay, and he’s in love with a boy.

 

More memories flood through his mind, but this time, they have nothing to do with religion, with his faith, because they’re memories of Yuta. Nakamoto Yuta, a name Jaehyun has grown to love so immensely. Nakamoto Yuta, saved under the letter Y in his contacts, hidden away from his parents like a dirty little secret. Nakamoto Yuta, who walked, or rather, ran into his life one day and changed his view on the world.

 

Jaehyun is gay, Catholic and gay, and he’s in love with a boy.

 

“You won’t leave me?” Jaehyun asks, his voice making him sound like he’s in a trance, he stares into Yuta’s pretty eyes, begging him, full of desperation. Yuta blinks a few times blankly, before shaking his head.

 

“I would never.”

 

“I like boys,” Jaehyun whispers, and instantly, he feels like a massive weight has been lifted off his chest, and the next breath he takes feels so light. Yuta nods at him, with a smile on his face.

 

“Thank you for trusting me,” Yuta mumbles, wrapping his arm around Jaehyun once more, and if Jaehyun thought he was done, he clearly isn’t, because he keeps talking.

 

“I’m not done,” Jaehyun mumbles, and Yuta raises his brow, looking at Jaehyun in curiosity, and it’s hard for Jaehyun, who just wants to reach over and hold Yuta’s face between his hands, to kiss his lips the way he was always taught to kiss a girl. “I like one boy. I think I…” Jaehyun chokes up.

 

“Take your time,” Yuta mumbles, running his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Do you know how special you are?” Jaehyun asks, completely serious, it shifts the atmosphere. “You,  _ God _ , You. I’m…”

 

“I have… I like…  _ God _ ,” Jaehyun stammers, wishing he could go back to being six years old, when everything was easier and he never had to worry about boys, or God, or his parents’ heart breaking in behalf of God if they found out Jaehyun wasn’t heterosexual. “Why is this so difficult?”

 

Yuta is looking right at him, he blows another puff of smoke into the sky. He tightens his hold on Jaehyun’s hand, tracing small patterns on the back of it with his fingers. “You don’t have to force yourself,” he says, and Jaehyun takes one look into those pretty eyes, and decides that if there’s a God out there, he really took his time making Yuta.

 

Jaehyun condemns God for making Yuta so breathtaking, for giving Yuta the ability to send his heart into overdrive with every little action, for making Yuta everything Jaehyun has ever wanted, wanted to be or just  _ wanted  _ in general.

 

“I have feelings for you,” Jaehyun chokes out at last, tightening his hold on Yuta’s hand, as if he’s scared that Yuta is just going to get up and run away, Jaehyun knows how high the chances are, and it makes his heart drop, but he continues anyway. “I know mum and dad won’t accept me, and neither will the church, or all those shitty boys I go to school with, but I don’t care. I haven’t cared about any of that since you came into my life. I love you, and I’m not afraid to let the whole goddamn world know.”

 

Yuta’s eyes are wide, and it makes him look prettier, Jaehyun closes his eyes, bracing himself for the worst, for his Yuta-hyung to stand and start running, yelling that they can’t be friends anymore, but that doesn’t happen. He opens his eyes cautiously, and to his surprise, Yuta is right in front of him, with only inches of distance between them.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Yuta asks, and Jaehyun can feel his hot breaths blowing against his chin. Jaehyun swallows the lump in his throat, before nodding just slightly, his forehead brushing against Yuta’s.

 

Honestly, seventeen years of church failed to make Jaehyun believe in heaven, but Yuta’s lips, Yuta himself, all of Yuta made Jaehyun believe in a paradise he had trouble fathoming before. Yuta’s lips are soft, save for the slight cracks that he probably got from the cold, and Jaehyun hates himself for loving the touch of a man’s lips like this. He’s a man, he can’t love Yuta like this, it goes against everything he’s ever known, everything he’s supposed to be.

 

But then Yuta opens his eyes, pressing his lips deeper against Jaehyun’s, and Jaehyun can see those pretty eyes that captured his heart the first time, and, well, it’s worth it.

 

It’s all worth it, and Jaehyun doesn’t give a fucking damn about anything else anymore, because Yuta beams at him when they break apart, and his smile alone, is enough for Jaehyun.

 

It’s 1:27 AM when Jaehyun frees himself from the shackles that have held him down all his life. 

  
  
  


He and Yuta stay seated on the bench, hands interlocked, until Yuta checks the time and panics, realising his parking is a minute away from expiry. He stands abruptly, pulling Jaehyun up with him, and dashes to his car, holding Jaehyun’s hand in his own.

 

Jaehyun feels like he’s fourteen again, fourteen and being dragged away by some stranger, being allowed to fly for the first time in his life, except this time, he’s seventeen, and Yuta isn’t a stranger anymore.

 

Jaehyun feels like he can finally breathe, for the first time in seventeen years. It’s 2:01 AM when Jaehyun lets the Jaehyun he is supposed to be die.

  
  
  


Jaehyun wakes up in his bed the next day, as he always does, it’s a sunday morning, and he can hear his parents walking around outside his room. He quickly changes into the clean dress shirt he left hanging on his cupboard door handle and a pair of jeans he suspects hasn’t been washed in three weeks, before heading down the stairs.

 

Jaehyun’s father takes the wheel, driving the family to church for sunday service. His mother turns around, her phone on and resting in the palm of her hand. “You’re quiet this morning,” she notes, and Jaehyun hates the way her words sound like Yuta’s.

 

“I’m just,” Jaehyun lies, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Talking to God.”

 

His father hums proudly as they pull up into the church parking lot. They enter the building together and take their usual seats.

 

It’s 1:27 PM when the priest calls for the final praying session, and Jaehyun gets on his knees, closing his eyes, and he thanks God.

 

_ Thank you for letting me love Nakamoto Yuta. _

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise if I have offended you with this story. My family is Catholic and I... well... u know. I wrote this because I felt like I needed to pen my thoughts into words and it became this... anyway I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Twitter: @yukittyzen


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